How to approach a difficult conversation youve been avoiding

How to approach a difficult conversation youve been avoidingHow to approach a difficult conversation youve been avoidingIf you realize youve been avoiding a conversation, that probably means you need to have it as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the harder it will get.Difficult conversations will always be hard and uncomfortable, but the right approach can help make them more constructive. There are two frameworks Ive found particularly enlightening.The Harvard FrameworkLets call the first the Harvard framework, since it will be most familiar to students coming out of Harvard Business School or Harvard Law School. The basic idea is that any conversation is actually three simultaneous conversationsA What Happened? conversation what actually happened? Which of those events are important, and why?A Feelings conversation what emotions did those events spark in each rolle? What emotions were expressed and how?An Identity conversation How does the conversation or events reflect on a persons own perception of who they are? Does it reinforce insecurities (e.g. I am too emotional or I am a selfish person)? Does it undermine their own self-perception (e.g. Am I not as strong as I think? or Am I not as caring as I think)?Once you break-down a conversation into these three sub-conversations, it becomes easier to identify some of the traps you can fall into in each one.For example, one trap in the What Happened? conversation is assuming that ones observations are facts that are interpreted in the same way by the other person, or assuming the other persons intentions.As for the Feelings conversation, one trap is not acknowledging or giving validity to your own or the other persons feelings. Another is letting them cloud your thoughts or behavior.The Identity conversation is actually the trickiest onesince it can throw a person off-balance into a mini-identity crisis. It is extra complicated since each person is probably having their own internal Identity conversation. Its also easy to fall into an all-or-nothing trap I am a careless person rather than acknowledging the complexity of ourselves.This might seem a little abstract, so in the interest of brevity Ill just invite you to readthe bookDifficult Conversations How to Discuss What Matters Most- it really changed how I think about and approach communication both professionally and personally.The Stanford FrameworkIll refer to the second framework as the Stanford framework, which Im told is taught in a class called Interpersonal Dynamics, which is also known as the Touchy-Feely class. This one is a little simpler, in my opinion, and is called staying on your side of the net.The idea is to break down everything into things that you can know with certaintyand things that you cant.As in tennis or volleyball, you should not cross the net. In other words, you should not assume you know, with certainty, anything that is on the other persons side of the net. Do not assume you understand their feeling sor their intentions.I find the Harvard framework more powerful (in particular, the Identity conversation was eye-opening), but harder to carry around in your head. The Stanford framework is simpler to remember, and hence simpler to adhere to.This article originally appeared on Quora.